Sir Cedric’s New Theory: Global Warming Changes [PARODY]


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Sir Cedric

Sir Cedric’s new climate change theory will set the world on its head. Image by DodgertonSkillhause

Sir Cedric Phentingmost of the British Institute of Myladesh is best known for his denial of climate change. Now he has a new theory that will, literally, stand the world on its head.

Recent measurements have shown that the extent of sea ice is diminishing rapidly in the arctic. But it is also increasing in the Antarctic. Sir Cedric believes that this growing imbalance will cause the world to flip over because ice weighs less than water.


Sir Cedric’s Climate-change Research

Here is what Sir Cedric’s research shows would be the result of such a monumental flip-flop that any politician would be proud of:

  • Due to the reversal of the Coriolis force, people would start spinning around like Deadheads.
  • The twisting of the magnetic lines of force would totally disrupt communications and cause birds to fly backwards.
  • Due to the gyroscope effect, the earth would move farther from the sun and an ice age would begin.

Decoded Science contacted Dr. Phentingmost and asked him to explain his theory more fully.

DECODED SCIENCE: Dr. Phentingmost, How can you claim that the world will flip over? There is no up and down in the universe as a whole, or in the solar system.

SIR CEDRIC: This is what I object to — reporters who deny their own eyes. Am I standing on my head? Of course not. Obviously there’s an up and a down. You don’t need a PhD to know that.

DECODED SCIENCE: Well, then, why is the earth spinning at a 23 degree angle to the plane of the ecliptic? Wouldn’t your theory demand that it spin straight ‘up and down’ as you would put it?

SIR CEDRIC: This is a result of the gyroscope effect. A top, for example, can spin at an angle without falling if it precesses, which means the axis changes orientation. This has been proven to be the case by anyone who ever spun a dradel.

DECODED SCIENCE: What is this about people spinning?

SIR CEDRIC: If you stand at the north pole, you would spin around once a day in a counterclockwise direction. If the earth flips over, you will spin the other way. You don’t spin as fast in mid-latitudes and those at the equator will feel no effect.

DECODED SCIENCE: Then why don’t we see people spinning when they fly from London to Brisbane?

SIR CEDRIC: I don’t have time to explain.

DECODED SCIENCE: Ok, why will the Earth move farther from the sun?

SIR CEDRIC: When the earth flips over, it will be spinning backwards relative to its direction of motion. Look at Uranus — and don’t ask me to pronounce that again. It spins on its side and look how far away from the sun it is. Spinning backwards could put us in orbit near Pluto, who knows? The science isn’t very exact on this.

DECODED SCIENCE: And why will birds fly backwards?

SIR CEDRIC: Birds navigate by magnetic lines of force. If the forces reverse, so will the birds.

DECODED SCIENCE: But can a bird really fly backwards?

SIR CEDRIC: Can you walk backwards? If a bird can flap one way, it can flap in reverse.

DECODED SCIENCE: When do you expect the earth to flip over?

SIR CEDRIC: Why do you think I’m doing research? Just for my health? I’m working on this question right now. I can’t figure out why north is up in the first place. There is more land mass in the northern hemisphere, which should make it heavier. Then there’s the matter of global warming — of which there isn’t any — which is evaporating water, making the southern hemisphere lighter yet. There is some sort of lag, like between the time you wake up and the time you have the first cup of coffee. I would say probably around election time — that’s when things usually happen.

DECODED SCIENCE: What will be your next research project?

SIR CEDRIC: I believe the oceans will dry up. I am going to research this result of global warming — of which there isn’t any — which will evaporate the oceans because the warmer atmosphere — which it won’t be — will hold much more water vapor.

DECODED SCIENCE: Dr. Phentingmost, You refer to global warming but then you say there isn’t any. Don’t you think that’s a contradiction?

SIR CEDRIC: It’s a figure of speech.

DECODED SCIENCE: Thank you, Dr. Phentingmost.

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